I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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