is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
