I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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