he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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