End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
