im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
