meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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