If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
