The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
