i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize