I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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