Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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