your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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