I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
