matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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