true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
