nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
