She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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