We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
