I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
