so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think people are normalizing furries
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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