This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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