laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
