and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
