Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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