heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
