Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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