the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
