if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
