she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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