"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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