It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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