Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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