I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
