I think my fart just growled at me.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
