A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
