im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
