You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
