Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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