My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i've created a new STD.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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