so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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