Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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