the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
you had me at cake vodka
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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