it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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