When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
