Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
