And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
