Sponge bath it is.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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