I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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