Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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