stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
