Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
