i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
