Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
