Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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