Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
