i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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