So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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