when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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