I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
